On Self-Compassion and Self-Talk

What is self-compassion?

Self-compassion is not a novel concept. It’s an innate part of being human and has been practiced as part of Buddhism for thousands of years. It was formalised into research by Dr Kristin Neff in the early 2000s and there have since been a multitude of studies carried out on self-compassion by numerous scholars. According to Neff, the definition of self-compassion is to be ‘open to one’s own suffering, not avoiding or disconnecting from it…to heal oneself with kindness.’

But isn’t it selfish to be self-compassionate?

The short answer: No, it’s not. Though it’s easy to see how someone would think that – ‘self’ is in the name after all!

The long answer: Self-compassion is not a means of prioritising our needs over others. Instead, it’s a tool that connects us to others via something we all have in common – suffering. We don’t all suffer in the same way, but we all experience it in some way.

Connecting to the larger human experience and seeing ourselves as part of a wider community, where everyone experiences suffering of some kind, reduces the human tendency to isolate in our suffering and separate ourselves from others. If we were to lean into that tendency to isolate and separate, we might find ourselves stepping into self-pity. We may move from a place of selfishness or self-centredness, becoming overly wrapped up in our own problems.

Self-compassion is an option to move through life from a standpoint of – We’re all human and we all suffer. We all experience failures and inadequacies. So, let’s be a little less harsh on ourselves, and instead a little kinder. Afterall, we need to put our own life vests on first before we can help the person next to us.

So, what are the benefits of self-compassion?

By treating ourselves with kindness, we can process emotional wounds. Growing evidence demonstrates that using compassion with ourselves is a key factor in creating greater happiness, emotional intelligence, resilience and social connectedness. Inversely, it’s linked to lower levels of self-criticism, stress, anxiety, depression and emotional exhaustion.

And what about self-talk? What is it and why is it important?

Self-talk is one of various tools to incorporate more self-compassion into our daily lives – for both adults and children alike! It is speech that is directed towards ourselves, either externally spoken out loud or internally within our minds.

It’s important because the way we talk to ourselves is a key factor in shaping us and how we show up in the world – from helping us to thrive and reach our potential, to leading us to keep ourselves small and miss out on life’s opportunities, and everything in between. Have you ever made a mistake and launched into a flurry of self-deprecation? (‘I’m such an idiot/what is wrong with me?’ being on the lighter side of beating ourselves up.) Or did you perhaps take a compassionate approach to soothe yourself through your emotional response? (Something along the lines of, ‘It’s okay to make mistakes, we all do.’)

Should we wish to, we can intentionally shape our self-talk.

We can choose to guide it towards compassion. And we can help our little ones do that too.

Questions to consider

  • Why wait until adulthood to begin having an active role in self-talk, using tools like positive affirmations, or therapies such as CBT? (Usually when we want to reverse some unhelpful thought patterns/behaviours that have cemented themselves in our day-to-day lives somewhere along the way!)
  • Why don’t we bring awareness of intentionally shaping our self-talk to early years (before the unhelpful thought patterns set in)?

What it isn’t – Compassionate self-talk is not an art to perfect, or a foolproof way of preventing unhelpful thought patterns from forming. It is not a one-size fits all solution to mental health difficulties.

What it is – Compassionate self-talk is one tool in a wellbeing toolkit that might just help our little ones navigate life in the 21st century.

The Squishles and Self-Love is a wonderful little story that you can use to introduce some of the concepts above to children. Buy your copy here and support them in building their own self-compassion toolkits!

(Neff, 2003b; Heffernan et al., 2010; Neff, 2011; Germer & Neff, 2013; Bluth & Eisenlohr-Moul, 2017; Kaurin et al., 2018; Anjum et al., 2022.)